Nighttime Thoughts

I have already obliterated any beneficial circadian rhythms, hormones, bio-cycles, and the like tonight. I sat in front of the blue, daylike screen of my computer before going to bed, I sat on the edge of the bed aimlessly, I read a mentally stimulating book until 2:30, and now, grand finale, I can't get to sleep.

Speaking of hormones, I begin to wonder if we have a bun in the oven. I hope so. But I don't know. So don't mention it to anyone. The lower half is quiet, very quiet... and the upper half was decidedly picky in finding a sleeping position. Seriously. Have we not been together for over ten years now? I'd think we could get along better than that.

The problem with doing any thinking before bed is that my mind (oh, so cliche) doesn't have an off switch (and sorry, I refuse to put " 'off' switch"--that's so bulky and unnatural). My mind has been positively racing since I turned off the light (it does have an off switch) at 2:30. My mind has been berating me, at high speed, for countless faults, failures, inconsistencies, unmotivations, uncoordinations, unfollowings-through... And in response to this assault, my mind has offered plot after plot of new ways to improve myself, counter my shortcomings, repair the breaches in my past plans, recover lost time, and simplify the trappings of my life that I both ignore and maintain, such a careful balance, during the daylight hours.

I like spontaneity. I love it. But I also love undiscipline. Is there another word for that? Undiscipline is so incriminating. But it is incriminating. It's like a mark on my forehead. Watch me long enough, and you will see signs of my undiscipline creeping out around me. It's like an aura. Like Pigpen's dust cloud.

You'll see it on my desk. On my computer desktop. On the floor; it's next to the granules of kitty litter tracked all over the bedroom. It's everywhere I want to be. And it's expanding.

Not quite, actually--let's be honest here; the truth is mostly against me, but there are some bright spots. So let's bring them out too! I need help here, self! Where have I made progress? Let's see. I'll number these items, to encourage myself. 1) consistency with quiet times. I have not been consistent, but I just this past week caught up to where I'm supposed to be. So far I'm still caught up. 2) I have played at least one game of Scrabble with Mema most days in the past several days. 3) I brushed Shadow two days in a row (but not including today, tsk tsk). 4) I have fed my family some sort of meal most every evening lately (I'm leaving leeway in there for some meal which may have serendipitously (is that the right use of that word?) been furnished by someone else (someone being a person or a company), and two of those meals (i.e. tonight's and last night's) were respectable, nutritional, yummy, homemade meals in the standard sense of the word. 5) I have reorganized my recipe shelf. 6) I have reorganized my jewelry. 7) I have scrubbed the tub when it was gross in the bottom. 8) I have rearranged my office (not so recently, but it definitely counts). 9) I have attacked the really old piles of specialty laundry items in the laundry room. 10) I have rearranged the laundry room (not so recently, but it definitely counts). 11) I have bought a lot of fresh produce and we have eaten most of it before it went bad. 12) I have made at least two homemade desserts recently. 13) I have hosted a group of people for a weekend movie extravaganza and provided the main meal (however meager) for both suppers. 13) I have maintained a planner, even if I didn't do the things on some of the lists and have moved them forward for 5-6 weeks. 14) I have finished a work of fiction borrowed from an acquaintance over a year ago and returned it. 15) I have reorganized our closet in some small but nevertheless important details. 16) I have provided laundry services to the family, such that Justin only almost ran out of underwear once and actually did run out of pants he likes to wear to work only once. 17) I have written a few little poemy things, even if they still sit where they have since I reshuffled their pile after I forgot to take them to writers' group.

I have made some decisions about how I want to change some other small aspects of my life (that add up together to larger and larger pieces of my life) but I fear it is only the frustrated rambling of a hormonally-impaired nearing-thirty-something ineffective housewife who, in her waking-but-should-be-sleeping moments remembers that life is short and I may soon be with child, i.e., with much less time for doing all these things you'd think I'd have under control by now, having been married for almost 5 years, without children for all this time, with grandmother for only 2.5 years, and with job for only 2.5 years. Seriously. What is wrong with me? What have I been doing with my time? Why am I hanging on to clutter, habits, and insecurities that are simply holding me back in this short life? Why???

More importantly, how will I change? How??? It's not like I woke up tonight (ha!) deciding suddenly I don't like clutter and my habits aren't working for me. No, I know this stuff. It's familiar.

Like my inability to change. Augh; I may not be sleepy, but I'm tired, and I don't feel like taking precious energy to think or write about this most depressing of subjects. Lord, I need Your help! I can't change. I can't even be motivated by myself. Help!!

Okay. It's time to address something that's been getting on my nerves. Probably something on my computer. I'll let you know if organizing any one of the "grab bag" junkpiles I maintain in several places on my laptop provides any serious satisfaction. Okay, no, I won't let you know. I'll forget I wrote this post and I won't come back to it. There, that was honest. Goodbye! Wish me luck.